Monday, March 14, 2011

i shud rather jst go die...

okay..take a pause and check the following piece of stats-

class 1 half-yearly
class 5th - 12th terminals
NTSE
class 10th - boards
KVPY
class 12th - boards
JEE - 2004
JEE - 2005
Tata Steel Scholarship
CAT - 2008
tanima
CAT - 2010
Hindu-Hitachi fellowship

its a documented record that Abraham Lincoln lost some 19 elections, some big some small, but lastly he hit the jackpot when he was 39 and became the President of USA..gawd..na toh utna patience hai mere me..na hi mere ko waisa kuch karne ka hai..fir itni fight kyu..

i've never...not even in my dreams asked YOU to give me wat i dnt deserve..coz u kno if sth like that happens then i'd despise it more than can be imagined..n i've never gotten anything by any grace of luck..saali aaj tak haath me luck line nahi bani..fir luck se kuch milna toh rahne hi do

matlab..jab sthiti-paristhiti itni buri kar hi di toh jara ye bhi bata hi do ki how the hell do i face myself in the mirror..?? n how do i face otheres ?? u dint make me shameless..u dint make me ego-less..u dint make me someone who'd take things sitting down n wud be all cheery-chirpy despite having his a** kicked at a zillion places and a zillion times..then why give this fickle mind ??

bola tha na..kabhi bhi..galti se bhi na diyo agar mere ko nahi milna chaiye kuch..toh dnt u get this hw much this bastard wud get furious once u keep him from getting what he's really good enough to get..n wen i screw up, i admit it n go way out of my way to not just deride and ridicule myself but also to take the lessons from it..u make me a little believer and a lot-tle non-believer..i mean..wat EXACTLY is this ?? sala ek toh India me paida kiya..woh bhi middle class me..woh bhi general category me..aur itna kuch kam nahi tha toh luck pe bhi laat maar diya..chalo itne tak sab kuch sahi..sab kuch justified..itne me kabhi shikayar nahi kiya..a lot of people have been in worse positions and have come out more stud-der and champ-er than me..

loh..ho gayi baat khatam..despite not wanting to..this do-good-er..this believe-good-er waali atti hai ki jaati nahi..we bloody slog our asses out and then when we still miss a seat somewhere..we are taught (and rightly so !) that if somebody else can do it..why aren't you THAT one !! right. kuch bhi galat nahi isme. but then, why do other people get ahead, in similar positions, but without the same/more fight or ability. YOU kno it happens. and it hurts like anything when you let it happen..what shud get one thru an interview is his performance during it and not the dastardly Letter of Recommendation that he got typed and signed by some big-shot-ass..

matlab kya hai yaar..jab tak banda thoroughly frust ho ke give-up hi nahi maar deta tab tak nahi maanoge aisa kuch hai kya..bhai dekho agar aisa kuch hai toh bata do yaar..fir fight hi nahi maarunga na..fir sab kuch waise hi accept karte chalunga..fir na hi kuch expectation rahegi..na hi mood sadega har kuch din par..n plz dnt throw that GITA bullshit in my face asking me to keep doing my work and not to expect anything in return..i'm just not that..i am a human and want to be one..live like one..i want to be selfish..i want to want a result when i kno i've put in efforts in it..i want a result when i've been good at sth..

i kno you're seeing all this sitting up there..plz..its nt a joke..banda sahi me kabhi frust ho kar kuud jaayega kahin se..fir mat kahna "loh..there goes another coward down !"..coz i ain't a coward..have never been one..but you bastard can't use my ability to deny me wat's rightly mine..gussa aa raha hai aaj..i can't twist my thinking and don't want to ..i can't be like others..but aisa banaya hai bhaiya toh plz aise logo ke liye koi toh raasta chhoda karo yaar..frust ho gaya hu yaar..i so pride myself in being a fighter till the end..but every fighter needs a victory now and then to have this faith in himself that he's not utterly useless and a total goner..

2 cheezein dimaag me le kar chal raha hu abhi..us par nazar mat lagana abhi se kahe deta hu..effort maarunga dono ke liye..aur woh bhi ultimayt wala effort rahega iss dafe..ek bhi mauka diya tumhe ki mera game kar sako toh baat kahna..wait..let's just say this..i'd keep my share of honesty and you keep yours..DEAL. i wudn't give u a single chance to screw my way up..n u wudn't bother coming in my way of success..

seriously..m getting tired..for once..jst for once..i want to have that buoyancy of class 1 yearly..when i came back home shouting right from the end of the colony " mummy..FIRST !!" sheesh..that was sheer exultation..sth i've never known in so far of this adult life..i kno the list of failures looks like a such a bad bill that it can never be paid in full..but m willing to work for it..n i'm GOING to work for it..one gud performance that overwrites all the shoddinesses i've shown so far..i'll do it..you plz just stand by and let me..


VOOT..voot is wat i've lacking so far in life..for once..don't give me peace n dont give me sleep in the nights..let me be awake and not sleep easy unless i'm done..unless i'm done enuf to really live my dreams waking-ly..

you might not be thankful to a guy who's trying to be good and do good..but this guy wud be thankful if u just became a god who did good by just getting out of someone's way and letting him go where he wants to go..n where he rightly belongs..right to the TOP !!

khwahishein hain bhagwaan..dher saari hain..i can see my dreams taking shape..rem'ber those few lines i'd penned sometime ago - "....mera aasmaan dusra hai !" believe me...mera aasmaan dusra hai...

1 comment:

prerana said...

You just have to focus.. U no more a kid now.. Leave those multigoal wala attitude.. Jo dikha haath pair maar diya .. B strict n brush n arrange all ur thoughts dreams... All r likely 2 cum true.. Let d time ripen up so dat u get a sweetest result.. Aise prepare karo dat u wait 4 ur exams not escape 4m it...
U know u can do it..but its nt all..tell urself dat U WILL n u r already on d track...
All d best :)