Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I go mute from here

I go mute from here
either to come back,
with a bang nowhere heard of
or, to go down and out
without even the whimpers of a rabid dog...

Life's not meant to be lived
in penury - of either the pocket o the mind.
Life's such a precious gift
its meant to be made grand
the grandness to be crafted; lived upto...

Forever a hi-flier have I been
flying high and fast is what I've loved
Agreed, I did get stuck
for a few days, in the muck of a 'second-grade' life
but the shackles are all mine, only to break...

For even if life means me to lose
lemme jst show it the life in me
A lot it takes for one to succeed
A lot is what I've pledged to give
All I ask you, o Lord, is in me...to believe.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

mai sapne becha karta tha...

funny...how life appears from here..aaj ke iss aaj me baith mai beete hue uss kal par has sakta..uss beete hue kal ka mazaak uda sakta hu..gaaliyan de sakta hu usey..kar nahi sakta to bas ek cheez aur woh ye ki uss kal ki shakkal nahi badal sakta...aur ye sab kuch hua uss kal me jab mai sapne becha karta tha..usey..khud ko..duniya ko..aur sapna bhi koi aisa waisa nahi...sapna tha ek zindagi ka..ek aisi zindagi jo gawara thi sirf ek jode ko nahi balki poore ek vrind ko..

fir kuchh ghata...un-honi kahna sahi nahi hoga jo hua usey..lekin jo hua woh nahi hota aisa bhi nahi tha....khush rahte thhe dono..kaafi khush thhe ek dusre ka saath pa kar..deen-duniya ki fikar nahi..matlab rahti thi toh sirf apne kunbe se...khud ke 2-4 bando ko apna parivaar bana liya tha...aur 2 parindo ne tinko se ghar bhi bas jod hi liya tha...

[god..hindi is tuff !!..bt then...there r sum things which dnt appeal to us if we choose to not to reperesent them in a laguage we aren't exactly attached with...]

sth sth happened..n the guy decided to call it quits...cruel, unfair,liar, characterless,bastard,dog..he got all these names n more...sometimes he fired back at the accusations and smtimes jst submitted to them meekly...not that he couldn't rebuff all those epithets but the bigger question was how wud he fight them names off ? What wud he tell them/her..that he had a vision (ya rite...Mr Buddha !!) he'd just seen the glimpses of a dream gone awry..of a life which'd gone on a horribly wrong track..how cud he convince others with the idea of a dream ?? ppl can buy dreams but they trust facts..n i dint have any to show with me...

now the most important question...wat made him so sure about the possible fact that wat he was doing would indeed turn out to be the right thing in the end...?? well, to be honest...he wasn't sure ! (i think sumone wud feel like reaching for my neck just now ;) ) bt this was the fact...he was NOT sure..all that he had at his end to work with was this big hunch in his tummy..n the dastardly thing wud neither tell him why he shud be trusting it nor wud let him stay in peace..but the un-rest of mind wasn't the only thing that cajoled him into listening to it..he knew better..it was the same gut feel that had brought him to her...

winter time...registration day for the 6th sem...he walks her walk towards the CC from the store..he was scribbling the mundane details in his form...looked up suddenly..saw her usual companion accompanying her across the 30 steps yard..n pat came the blushing smile..the same gut then wrenched through my anatomy and raised my hand for a wave in a flash..she passed the msg onto her..she looked up in my direction..slightly confused...with a faint blush on her face (wat was it for anyway ??) they were looking at each other after having avoided each other for more than a year and a half..sth suddenly had begun..sth that was to become the dream of a lifetime for both of them (though I'm not too sure about it being applicable to 'both' nw)

then sth sth happened for an year..a year that'd define the rest of his life after it..and hers..bt none had thought the story cud end in their having to part ways at the end of it...n why jst them..not a single soul on the campus cud think they'd part...there ws this sth in them...this sth which sum ppl choose to call chemistry...

then comes the grimmiest part of the story...he chose to call it quits...colg had come to an end too..the two events weren't meant to coincide but they did happen one after the other..one kinda bolstered the other..she couldn't take it..rightly blamed it all on him..but..wat she missed even at the glummiest of times ( n he didn't..though it wasnt always as apparent to him either) was that it was the only chance he cud give her to be happy with her life again..she was his bird..his princess..n he lived by her breaths...who would understand how he cud send her in sumone else's arms ?? if you dont do so when u're in love...then he did it coz he cared for her too much..way too much to let her suffer either in silence o in rebellion by letting her stay in his company which she certainly wasn't comfortable in..she had her ways..he had his..its nt that different people aren't supposed to come/stay together...a lot that matters is - where do those differences lie ??

wat happened next was sth so catastrophic that it kept both of them vacillating between staying normal normal and going berserk like a nervous wreck..max. times it was he who cudn't take it (but then, he knows only his side of the story after the split) ..n sumtimes she cudn't..for him it was all the more bitter a pill to swallow coz it was all brought upon both because it was a decision that he chose to make..despite it having become clear to both..she was all prepared to cling onto the tiniest rope he decided to hand her over..n he was jst as adamant abt nt letting a hope become her crutch for life..she had to let go of him in order to find another island of happiness in the ocean of humanity..they had to drift apart from there-on and that was a certainty clear only to him then..he was a guy..he knew he had to manage it even if he cudn't..hw cud he leave her ?? she was neither strong nor did she have the conviction of it being her decision..it was all being done to her rather and she had no say in it..miss the big picture for a second and a second can feel suicidal..if i had a way of doing it to her without being any ounce less brutal...god knows i wud've had done it..

but then..there's one thing very gud about the worst of times - they pass u by...so has it happened with her..she'd found a new tether..and he can only hope its as gud he was..he might not have had the capability to live a compromise..bt he sure had bucketfuls of luv in store for her..she was his gurl once..n only she knew the novelty of being called by that name (though, admittedly, it had earned her sum 'stupid' epithets as well :P) n this news hit him like a pleasant shock..he knew that out of them two, she'd be the one who'd recover first..it cudn't be otherwise..she was a chirpy soul alrite.. n life comes running to such ppl..it can't sulk from such ppl from long..he bade her the best of his wishes for a hppy life..he stood vindicated..n relieved..from the ghosts of a ghastly sin which he hadn never committed..the results that he'd seeked in the original plan of things had seeped in partly..she was happy again..n it wud keep him contented for long..happiness for him ?? he never had worked a hoot for it..why wud it come to him..

he never was a sinner though..but u can't acquit him of his butchery altogether either..he'd live out his sentence..never did he think that he cud find happiness outside the embrace of the only 'she' in his life..but the fact that she eventually landed somewhere has given his life a hope too..not that it'd be restored to an orderliness jst as soon..but now that the guilt is done away with..at least the spirit can breathe free and not reek of regret..

the he was me..n the she was her..sapne mai becha karta tha..kuch woh kharid leti thi..kuch khud chun liya karta tha..dono khush thhe ek saath..kuch kuch hua aur zindagi achaanak badal si gayi..ab ye lamhaa kaha jaayega..kisey kya dikhaayega..kahaani ek se do to kab ki ho chuki..yaha se aage kaise jaayegi..there's this famous saying (infamous for me and sth i dont exactly subscribe to...though the second part of it does ring true in the ears at times) - "love happens only once..rest is just life !"