the dark night...darkest of my life...21st feb..

rishabh...and sahu ji...they've left us nw...a very sad demise...and one that wud haunt us for long...


strange questions come to the mind when the mind runs back to those times....papa had come that day...i could manage jst a 5 minute visit to the juke-box...wat did i see..?? naah...dekha toh bahut kuch..bt yaad bas kuch hi cheezein hain....sahu ji..tushu..n niraj...dance karte karte neeche baith chuke thhe...tired...bt still jhoomte hue....almost like 3 nuts swinging around a bonfire after having a swig or two....to thier right were rishabh and sumant...both very poor dancers (after all..i never considered the baraati version of dance as dance )...bt uss din 'thumke' laga rahe thhe dono...rishabh showing the way to sumant...pata nahi...dekha to bahut kuch tha...bt these images jst dont fade....


i came back from there at around 9:30...took papa for dinner in the mess...n then came back to the room...went back to the ground floor for getting some water for papa..n that's when i got the first piece of news....guys clamoring near the stairs...sumant urging all of them to come to the TMH with him...that was enuff to convey the msg...sth unforeseen...n terrible had occurred...i rushed back to the room n changed...i jst wanted to reach TMH...bt papa woke up...wat to do nw..?? ab jaau ya nahi....papa talked me out of it...n anyways..after the afternoon fiasco i was in no mood to give papa anything that wud start a gud lecture....ultimately i decided against it...i had to...


bt i knew that sth real bad had hapnd when pandey came up shouting....he never does that...n i knew i couldn't not go anymore...i almost snapped at dad n bade him gudnight...i knew i had to go...me ...pandey..n dipesh left for TMH..



there's very small a chance that i'd forget that night in my lifetime...that night o the following day...i'd never lived any longer night...long..disturbing...questioning...i couldn't u'stand wat was going on....guys from the colg lining both the sides of the TMH entrance road...sandeep bhaiya going berserk with tears...some other people sobbing too...rahul broke the news to me....rishabh aur sahuji nahi rahe...i dint kno hw to react....o to react at all....i'd gone numb...i didnt kno wat to do...i didnt feel the loss on a personal level that day..bt what i saw around me was colossal...before that daaark night..i never had felt a loss...i didnt u'stand the word 'dead'...me n niraj were coming to terms with the news our own ways...he'd staretd feeling giddy almost immediately...n i dint kno hw to react at all...faces around me..faces n faces n faces...hope n fear written over most of them...they had been declared brought dead..bt everyone was living in self-denial there..no one believed it...i guess no one could...people were jst breaking down on my left and right...i thought i'd never have the courage to go n actually see them...bt after sometime...i couldn't wait anymore...the rumors flowing thick n fast made matters worse...our mental state was anything bt something that could take it...niraj had actually been to the ward n seen 'em....n asked me not to do it...bt i couldn't...i had to get stable in my mind...ya, it sounds bad bt u wudn't know wat we were going thru...death had to have a finality if it was there..coz death uncertain was making everything all the more horrendous there....


i took dhaklu with me...almost pulled him to the ward by his hands....i had to see them...even in times as sad as the one we were in..its important to make peace with ur demons..ur fears...n i had to do it for that...i saw sahu ji n rishabh...lying side by side on stretchers...they had been placed in the section marked DEAD BODIES already by the time we reached there...then wat was that shit going outside - its time to pray...we still have hope....wat shit was that...how can someone stoop so low....we had already lost them...n it was an insult to make ppl hope that it hadn't happened....the worst had hapnd dudes...they were gone



bt death brought no special specimens with it...both of them looked as if they were asleep...bt the eyes had lost their glint....that fluid gateway that shows the light of life even in a sleeping eye..that was gone...the body had nt gone cold o sth..it had yellowed though...sahuji salivated on the sides..it had all dried...water trickled down from the back of his head..below the stretcher it was forming a thin sloshy film already....i held his hands...felt nuthin different...bt no pulse therein...


kah nahi sakta kya kuch gujar raha tha uss din..mere par..hum sab par...i dnt know wat we all had done wrong....and why we were made to see wat we were seeing...and wat wrong had they done..?? why did they depart...so soon..so bloody soon at that..abhi kya zindgi dekhi thi unhone..??abhi kya zindgi dekhi thi humne...why...wat was the hurry god...weren't we gud as kids...why did u have to grow us into men in a day...we never said we wanted to grow so much in a day..so damned much that we'd forever look back at the day and say...wat the f*** did god have in his mind...?? kya dikhaana chaahta tha woh...ya he his all-mighty...bty why show the might for might's sake..?? yeah we admit u can do stuff that can change our lifes n lifetimes in a second....bt ...like this..like this God...!?




kuch bhi kar lu...uss din ki yaadein nahi jaati...lagta hai jaise abhi kal ko hi dekha tha...rishabh aur sahuji ko...looks like i'd jst bump into them in the mess...rishabh wud shout "Mr. Ghosh" and then bellow with a hearty bt reckless laughter....sahuji wud come to the mess in the end...and wud start his meal-athon...ghosh da will get more freckles on his foreheadby every second...sahuji chewing his meal silently n happily...god..u shud have seen hw sahuji blushed at the mere mention of food...huh


it all seems like jst y'day..they were here...near us...around us...bt nw they are gone..gone forever...call them back..n they won't come...i know even they'd be dying to come back...bt this bloody God business sucks....sucks big time...