Monday, March 14, 2011

i shud rather jst go die...

okay..take a pause and check the following piece of stats-

class 1 half-yearly
class 5th - 12th terminals
class 10th - boards
class 12th - boards
JEE - 2004
JEE - 2005
Tata Steel Scholarship
CAT - 2008
CAT - 2010
Hindu-Hitachi fellowship

its a documented record that Abraham Lincoln lost some 19 elections, some big some small, but lastly he hit the jackpot when he was 39 and became the President of toh utna patience hai mere hi mere ko waisa kuch karne ka hai..fir itni fight kyu..

i've never...not even in my dreams asked YOU to give me wat i dnt deserve..coz u kno if sth like that happens then i'd despise it more than can be imagined..n i've never gotten anything by any grace of luck..saali aaj tak haath me luck line nahi bani..fir luck se kuch milna toh rahne hi do

matlab..jab sthiti-paristhiti itni buri kar hi di toh jara ye bhi bata hi do ki how the hell do i face myself in the mirror..?? n how do i face otheres ?? u dint make me shameless..u dint make me ego-less..u dint make me someone who'd take things sitting down n wud be all cheery-chirpy despite having his a** kicked at a zillion places and a zillion times..then why give this fickle mind ??

bola tha na..kabhi bhi..galti se bhi na diyo agar mere ko nahi milna chaiye kuch..toh dnt u get this hw much this bastard wud get furious once u keep him from getting what he's really good enough to get..n wen i screw up, i admit it n go way out of my way to not just deride and ridicule myself but also to take the lessons from it..u make me a little believer and a lot-tle non-believer..i mean..wat EXACTLY is this ?? sala ek toh India me paida kiya..woh bhi middle class me..woh bhi general category me..aur itna kuch kam nahi tha toh luck pe bhi laat maar diya..chalo itne tak sab kuch sahi..sab kuch justified..itne me kabhi shikayar nahi kiya..a lot of people have been in worse positions and have come out more stud-der and champ-er than me..

loh..ho gayi baat khatam..despite not wanting to..this do-good-er..this believe-good-er waali atti hai ki jaati nahi..we bloody slog our asses out and then when we still miss a seat somewhere..we are taught (and rightly so !) that if somebody else can do it..why aren't you THAT one !! right. kuch bhi galat nahi isme. but then, why do other people get ahead, in similar positions, but without the same/more fight or ability. YOU kno it happens. and it hurts like anything when you let it happen..what shud get one thru an interview is his performance during it and not the dastardly Letter of Recommendation that he got typed and signed by some big-shot-ass..

matlab kya hai yaar..jab tak banda thoroughly frust ho ke give-up hi nahi maar deta tab tak nahi maanoge aisa kuch hai kya..bhai dekho agar aisa kuch hai toh bata do yaar..fir fight hi nahi maarunga na..fir sab kuch waise hi accept karte chalunga..fir na hi kuch expectation hi mood sadega har kuch din par..n plz dnt throw that GITA bullshit in my face asking me to keep doing my work and not to expect anything in return..i'm just not that..i am a human and want to be like one..i want to be selfish..i want to want a result when i kno i've put in efforts in it..i want a result when i've been good at sth..

i kno you're seeing all this sitting up there..plz..its nt a joke..banda sahi me kabhi frust ho kar kuud jaayega kahin se..fir mat kahna "loh..there goes another coward down !"..coz i ain't a coward..have never been one..but you bastard can't use my ability to deny me wat's rightly mine..gussa aa raha hai aaj..i can't twist my thinking and don't want to ..i can't be like others..but aisa banaya hai bhaiya toh plz aise logo ke liye koi toh raasta chhoda karo yaar..frust ho gaya hu yaar..i so pride myself in being a fighter till the end..but every fighter needs a victory now and then to have this faith in himself that he's not utterly useless and a total goner..

2 cheezein dimaag me le kar chal raha hu par nazar mat lagana abhi se kahe deta hu..effort maarunga dono ke liye..aur woh bhi ultimayt wala effort rahega iss dafe..ek bhi mauka diya tumhe ki mera game kar sako toh baat kahna..wait..let's just say this..i'd keep my share of honesty and you keep yours..DEAL. i wudn't give u a single chance to screw my way up..n u wudn't bother coming in my way of success..

seriously..m getting tired..for once..jst for once..i want to have that buoyancy of class 1 yearly..when i came back home shouting right from the end of the colony " mummy..FIRST !!" sheesh..that was sheer exultation..sth i've never known in so far of this adult life..i kno the list of failures looks like a such a bad bill that it can never be paid in full..but m willing to work for it..n i'm GOING to work for gud performance that overwrites all the shoddinesses i've shown so far..i'll do plz just stand by and let me..

VOOT..voot is wat i've lacking so far in life..for once..don't give me peace n dont give me sleep in the nights..let me be awake and not sleep easy unless i'm done..unless i'm done enuf to really live my dreams waking-ly..

you might not be thankful to a guy who's trying to be good and do good..but this guy wud be thankful if u just became a god who did good by just getting out of someone's way and letting him go where he wants to go..n where he rightly belongs..right to the TOP !!

khwahishein hain bhagwaan..dher saari hain..i can see my dreams taking shape..rem'ber those few lines i'd penned sometime ago - "....mera aasmaan dusra hai !" believe me...mera aasmaan dusra hai...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

the proverbial fire in the belly

well..where do you start from when you fail comprehensively at something that you really..really wanted to succeed at. failed at CAT n FMS '10 both. 58 percentile in CAT.

this is not the first time i've failed. neither is it the grandest of my failures. but yes, it is the place where i want to succeed badly, with the wish that it belittles all the failures that i've survived till date. it hurts. just as bad as it had when i'd come second for that first time in class 5th. and then began a series of failures that knew no end. fear crept in in my psyche. my confidence was left shaky.

its never been the case with me. somehow i've never been able to sustain this proverbial fire in the belly thing. and that's why this jinx of failing again and again never does get un-done. bura lagta hai. aaj bhi utna hi jitna isse pahle kabhi bhi laga ho. haarna aaj bhi nahi pasand. utna hi jitna bachpan se lagta aaya hai. i do not quit. i do not give up. but i guess its time to realise that just 'not giving up' doesn't ensure one's success. instead of the trepid 'assure a min. return' i need to take a risk and for once, give sth my all.

whatever i've taken up in life, its never been un-doable in life. i've always known things to be within my reach. but still haven't been able to get to them. why ?? if not answered today, with a cool n thinking head, i might never be able to make myself understand one thing. not everything in life is a sprint. a lot of things need patience and continuos putting in of hard work over a period of time. discipline counts for more than we think. where's it in you ?? a few good sessions do not ensure a good career. a few good tests do not ensure your killing a test altogether.

stop counting on scraping through to sth. kill it. go for the max. push yourself. harder and harder by the night. for, if not ambition, what else is left in your life now. at work, and at life: SUCCEED. you can do it. that's the best part. you kno you can. a more important question and decision comes right next to this best thing. actually DOING things. do it. do it. do it. do it. do it bloody.

u kno u feed on success. all your flamboyance depends on it. you've never been empty talk. you've always backed it with oodles of performance. do justice to it. succeed day in and day out. start with little stuff first. take them as minor challenges and then get over them. winning is never a once in a while thing. make it a habit. don't hate losing. love winning ! think twice and overhaul the way you think. why just ensure a seat at A. why not let anyone else deny a seat there to you ?? see. the moment you change your target from a 98-99 percentile zone to a 100 percentile thing, you see the scale of change your entire line of thinking goes. why be content with a little of something when you can fight for all of it. isn't eternal glory worth a biiiiiiiiig fight..??!!

a lot would need change. mental attitude is the first one. being aggressive is good, but only so long as its improving something in you. aggression without purpose is a wastage of energy. and you're not getting PR credits for your everyday life. be easy in it. and with it. fight wahi karo jaha jarurat hai. bring life to a schedule. and follow it. over a year. ya, a YEAR. lets decide it right here and now and make a deal with yourself. next year is when you want to make it big in your life. the biggest success should be there, waiting for you, right there in the next year.

sab kuch do-able hai yaha se. the results do not show how much you'd learnt and improved over your previous attempts. but you know you've come a along way. a big psychological barrier was crossed during preparations this time. from 'it might get done' , you've come to 'i can do it'. that's one huge huge improvement. but intangible at the same time. make it count this year.let's just put all your faculties in the pursuit of one thing - your success at the ABCD dream. Ahmedabad - Bangalore - Calcutta - Delhi.

preserve this fire that you feel in your belly right now. this sense of humiliation and being humbled. rem'ber how it hurts. and let it not be dowsed by the everyday living. you have amazing sources of energy in you. use it. fire yourself everytime you slacken. do not accept compromises. do not accept half attempts. learn to respect your own efforts that you put in. by not putting in 100% of your heart and mind at one place and for one goal, you're not just hurting your chances of success, you're effectively wasting your own efforts. and that's highest order of foolishness. don't do it.

learn from your mistakes. stop committing them in your daily life. a year out of your anyways-not-a-happening-life wudn't hurt at all. work on it.

let's succeed in life for once. and nothing in life succeeds like success. and its the only thing you want as you write this. its the purest want that you could feel. respect it. get it. give yourself the name you've always cherished. earn it.

its not ravi singh yet. but it can be. its all in your hands once again.