ANATOMY OF WORLD'S BIGGEST BIG-TIME LOSERS.....

yeah...m not joking..keep reading and u'd know a lot abt me..but thru the glasses of generalisation about a breed that's in far more profundity than this planet either needed or could sustain...bt then..that's the way the world goes round now....


So..i ws talking abt the people of my breed ( see.. m already talkin...the ppl of this class are hyper egoistic...hyper egotistic...and hopelessly proud of themselves..that's why i said ppl of my breed ...and not the breed of ppl to which i belong......)...yappy...ppl of my breed aren't exactly shirkers of work...they just don't know what work to do....not that they fail to prioritise...they're very good at it actually...bt things somehow never fall in place for them....


i know, i know...i've taken too tough a subject to give a decent discourse on it and am already faltering on it...but i'd jst chug on...


these people have very lofty dreams...loftiest u can say...and if...(that's a big IF, mind it )..even a select few of them became a reality...trust me..world would've been a different place altogether..bt then...that never was to be..and certainly....it hasn't happened so far....


one more characteristic of this class is that..these people are fantastic PLANNERS...fabulous to be true to them...ask them and they've figured out all about their lives...sometimes they even boast( though the shy ones admit only to themselves ) of having the answers to the muckiest philosophical questions of life...like "who am i ? " et al....huh...so much after being a simple mortal....


sometimes they walk on the tarmac as if they're doing mother earth a favour by planting their feet on it....yeah..that's no exaggeration..and i can vouch for it coz i myself do that...only sometimes......


they think they're masters of their fate...they've everything under control...that they've all that they needed..and what they don't have is something even the roadside urchins could shag upon...without even blinking an eyelid, mind it....



okay...if u thought all this was a mere flight of flippancy...i'd give some real food for thought now....what all these fucked-ups don't know..and indeed, don't admit...is that they're the biggest fucked-ups the world's ever seen...what will they gain by their vanity....?? by their ya-ya-i-know-it-all attitude....?? and who the hell cares for ur attitude anyway dude...?? what are u..?? kya ukhaad liya aaj tak life me...?? what really amazes me is...how do these guys sometimes even bear themselves....they're downright obnoxious at times man...what's wrong in admitting that u are a fuck-up....is that so that tough to admit...?? is it so tough to say u r a no-body...?? yes..that's a bad place to start from...but ..the hell...realisation of dawn scores anyday over groping around in the muck all day....what perturbs me is....why dont these guys wake up...they have the potential on most of the occasions ( ya..who doesn't have it tell me..) bt mere having them won't get u any damned piece of shit here....there's a word in english language...very simple word it is...WORK....why don't they jst chuck every other bullshit one fine day and decide that from the next moment...the only thing that they'll be doing is working...is this realisation so tough to come to them....why don't they understand...why don't they listen to their own inner self...that's not dead in them jst like it never dies in any one....that inner self is there for all of them...serving as a beacon....bt who in the world thinks of consulting them everytime they set out to do sth...



that's the problem of my life guys...i'm one of the biggest fuck-ups u'd ever come across...and i'm not realising this...and that's the biggest tragedy of my life....


waise...reading all this would've surely felt like some psychological crapping over your mindspace...i'd try to compensate for that... in the words of Goethe.....

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do...begin it...action has genius, power and magic in it...

Kuch un-chhue se panne

This life, as we know it..or have come to know of it..this life isn't always lived in the full-ishment of the moments it brings..In the language of a book, we don't always read the pages word to word to word or end to end...some engrossing pages do get that rapt an attention from us but not all the pages are that lucky..there are some pages which we just flip thru..breezing thru it...giving it a mere cursory look...and then there are some..which we start with an abandon..we do not know what's there in it..and we hardly care ..or expect anything from it..but after sometime...we suddenly start feelin gravitated towards it...ye kahani meri zindgi ke us panne ki hai....a story that lasted a day...but the caress of it i still feel today...it had a magic in it...a mystique..mystique of the unknown...


day was my medical day for telcon...actually it was the following day coz i'd bungled up the previous day...coz they said i'd not come with full preparation...i hadn't brought my photographs !! dude..u check my soul's humble abode for all the bacteria and virus u suspect it might be housing....bt why do u need my pic...?? that can't give u my blood sample...i can..and i am here....bt anyways..they didnt listen to me and i was asked to report the next day for the same thing...and i came back...and came back shivendra and anoj...my would-be colleagues in the company...with an understanding but its-all-bcoz-of-u-moron look ...

the formals all spoiled...as were the creases on them ( yappy..we'd gone for our medicals in all formals....sheer nuts we were...we were expecting sum stately welcome by the company...) they were still donned...though their first day glory had all but gone...we reached the company gates by 8 o'clock...and our apprehensions regarding the 'work culture' in the company got a pleasant shock when we saw our colg senior riding piggy-back to the office on a female's scooty...yippee..this was some place to work for...( hope u'll understand the exorbiant celebrations for a rather minnor incident considering that i was from NIT Jsr..and Mechanical branch at that...!! why do females never turn to this 'evergreen' branch isn't a big mystery but certainly is an unfortunate fact.)


khair, nazara khatam bhi hua..and then we were asked to report to the tata motors hospital..and then we were taken to the Works hospital at the tata motors main gate where we were given a chit of paper and were asked to report at the Tata Motors hospital where we duly reported sum 30 mins later. My memory fails me in recollecting the exact sequence of various check ups that we went...n even the count of them...bt the one that ws particularly heart warming n sth that'd tickle me for quite a long time happened during the eye check up session..before which we had been thru some 3-4 sessions...

anyone who's been to the eye-check up section in the telco TMH knows how the entrance hall is..u enter at one corner of a hall that wud be sth like 20m x 10 m in dimensions...and...imagine urself facing such a hall...we entered thru the doorway at extreme left on the length-ward side...barring the door, the wall had big airy windows all along the length...the exit to the hall was on the width-ward side on the right as one entered the hall...ya..unnecessary architecture details bt try imagining the situation coz that'd add to the fun part of the story...now...this hall had long planked wooden benches placed parallel to the width-wise wall... and there ws one row of benches surrounding the entire inner perimeter of the hall all around these parallel set of benches..

we guys duly took the benches right across the entrance...dnt remember the logic behind it part of the reason ws it ws vacant...bt the reason cudn't have been that we wanted to keep an eye on the crowd coming in...coz we'd estimated...as were soon to find out...wrongly...that we'd get any females worth looking at...whatever be the logic...the bench that we took came in very handy in what happened next...the time was sth around 10:30 -11:00 in the mrng..n we hadnt had anything for breakfast....and since our turns cud cum anytime...we decided to have sth to eat at the hospital canteen turn by turn...the canteen ws down a flight of stairs from the hall..we were about to take our turns to go hog some food when two females enetered the hall...not suddenly..somehow they entered the room in a very fluid motion...burqa-clad they were...both were almost of the same height...spectacled..n we weren't jerked into looking at them..sumhw our eyes jst followed them right from the time they entered...from whatever i recollect...they didnt pay us any attention initially n took the bench diagonally opposite to ours...as it usually happens in such cases...i looked at them once n then looked away..anoj did the same..n so did shivendra..n the cycle kept conitnuing in a randomn order...suddenly..anoj yelled mumbling-ly..."abey revi ( he he...he still calls me the same way...bloody mallu) they're lookin at you.."..."WHAT"..i almost jumped with alarm...not that i didnt notice that they too had begun looking at us..bt i didnt kno that they were lookin at me..nt that i didnt want it...bt i actually didnt think this cud happen..n even after hearing anoj i didnt quite believe it but a few more glances firmed his declaration....they were looking at me..!! god...wat was this happening now..i had gootten a placement only recently and i knew i might jst..jst be an appealing prospect to sum female who came to kno abt it bt that wasnt the case here...they cudn't have known this..n were looking at me despite this...wooh...i ws SUMTHING...i ws elated...seriously...i started looking at them with some seriousness of purpose....

i forget a lot of the day...abt the day...bt nt that sth had started happening between us...of that i'm sure even today..i kept looking at her..she kept looking at me..n then..when she finally left after her check up...which was after about an hour after all this had begun..she left the room with her eyes still on me...kya tha woh..i haven't gathered that so far...bt still re-live that day sometimes...thinking what, after all, was it about...she left the room...and then walked by the adjoining corridor and was still keeping her eyes on me...needless to say that i too was doing the same..but...wat was disturbing..or pleasing...was the fact that she kept looking at me fixatedly...WHY..?? guys ogle at girls n that's normal...i too look at girls but only fleetingly...bt that day was different...her gaze was firm...sth that behold my gaze to her...n sth i cud do nuthin abt then...

then i thought she ws gone n it was time for me to do sth abt my tummy too...coz shivendra n anoj had come back from their hogging trips...so i went down...n lo !!..i saw her in the medicine-collecting queue downstairs...god..wat was all this..anyways..i dint stop at the queue..coz she ws standing in teh queue while her elder sister kept loitering at the end of it...i kept my eyes down n passed by...took a cup-maggi noodles (that ws the only time i've had that rather bland cup noodles thing)...and started walking up n down the stall in the hospital courtyard...honestly..i ws so smitten by her that i cudn't think of anything...n wat ws i smitten with..?..i cudn't see her face..dint hear her talk o laugh..her figure wasn't even make-out-able under that black burqa thing...fir kaun si cheez thi jo mujhe uski taraf kheeche hue thhi...god knows..sth in her miens..sth that i can't put my fingers on even today...i made sure of walking upto the medicine queue everytime i walked down that way...n funnily...when i came back the first time...she'd replaced her sister at the loitering position n her sister (poor her) was standing in the queue...so intent was her gaze...i kno i've repeated myself so thoroughly that this write up might be called boring hands down....bt plz try to understand...you dont come across such wishful n engaging n strong n why..even slightly flirty gaze everyday of your life...whoof...that ws when i decided that i shudn't let this thing jst get over...kuch to karna chahiye...she's dropped enuf hints now that she's interested...in wat and to wat extent is a different..she ws interested n that was all that hit me..i rushed back to anoj in the eye-check up hall...managed to grab a sheet of paper from somewhere..n wrote.."you're so very beautiful".. n wrapped the thing up..n put it in my papers...i dint used to have a cell phone in those days..to phone number de sakta tha nahi...lastly i decided ki mail-id he de do yaar...let there be some way in which she can reach me...instead of there being no way bt only a wish for one...

BUT..n this is a big but...by the time i came down with the write-up..she was gone from the queue..my heart raced..not now...plz not now...coz so long as now..i'd held my fort..i'd swayed only as much as she had..no less no more..bt now that i'd committed myself to the thing..she cudn't jst walk over me like the preening winner in a competition of chastity...i ran anoj outside the hospital building with myself...n caught a glimpse of the two sisters walking away slowly down the right side...normal si chaal thi..normal si bandi log waali...n they were guffawing all the way...maybe i ws the thing to be laughed at in their conversations...bt that's only a guess...bt then...there hadn't hapnd anything more..or even comparatively eventful with them in the past 2-3 hours...n tell me..what's so funny/laugh-worthy/amusing about a guy who's simply smitten with you...i guess u can be proud or happy about it...bt u can't laugh off at it...that's not decent..that's not hw nice ladies behave..n trust me..i dont look a fool at all so that that could be justified..mujhe khud ke baare me koi galat-fahmi nahi hai bt i know at least this mcuh abt myself..that i appear sober...coz i invest a lot at it..coz i am IT by nature...n that shows.. n that's sth i swear by sliently everytime i doubt myself..anyways..

i went by her ....slowed down the bike..almost stopped it...n said very politely..excuse me...n she didnt stop...pretending that she didnt hear a thing..excuse me, ma'm...i cried out louder this time...bt she kept walking on..this time with a firmness that was meant to convey that she wouldn't wait..that she'd keep walking..that she always was going to just keep walking...

two things come out of it...first..wat did she gain by it..? why did she do it..? if she wanted to retain teh moral high of not committing a sin against her chastity..or put a milder word for it there..then she didnt succeed..her eyes had given her away a looooong time ago...n she dint hear to herself when she jst kept walking on...despite having wanted to stop..n that i'm sure of...

second thing..wat did i gain by it...? i was in a relationship then..i had sumone in my life whom i loved... a lot...then wat ws i doing there...n why...i had broken her trust n my loyalty in those 2-3 hrs...bt i'd done nothing...maine baat bhi nahi kari...hye-bye bhi nahi kiya..fir bhi kuch to galat ho gaya tha na shayad..

that's how life is...things hardly end on a perfect note...or in a way you want them to...or in a way you think they can...sometimes we lose ourselves in a few windy moments... n keep coming back to it to for the rest of our lives...to know ourselves better...to gain sth that ws lost there forever...to inspect wat exactly we'd wanted then in our life n from our life..n sumtimes..we jst go back to those times jst to re-live the moments...inhi khatti-meethi yaadon se to bani hoti hai ye cheez..ye jo zindgi ki kitaab hai...!!

In memoriam of a fighter...

Well...this is gonna be a commentary....sans statistics though...both because i do not have much of a taste for it and me being pretty bad in places where stats get involved...



8 0'clock..25th april...sunny saturday morning....i amble towards the mess listlessly...as if i don't care if the world's going to doom...or that...if i feel like goin for a break-fast for breaking my morning fast...but then came bhai's howler, just so as i was approachin the mess doors..."metch dekhne chalega be..?? " which was less of a question n more of an invitation...."kiska metch he bhai..??" suddenly i ws in a terrible mood of leg-pulling ( considering that bhai is one of those softer souls...ye indore ke log bade meethe hote hain (for all the stupidity n lacunae in english language...i wish i cud make that indore sound as bhai bleats it out..shit..that is gud fun )...n even when they're in a bad mood of slang...all that they're letting out are soft-sounding expletives...like those showy crackers...all show..no noise..n ultimately no harm done )...."compsci aur trical ka he...chalega kya....?"....n i came alive...somehow i knew that i wanted to go..without mine even knowing it...."chaliye bhai"..i replied....then popped nits' nike keys outta bhai's pocekts..n we two hopped on our rampyari...though the down's ground is barely a sweat-breaking walk away....bt we lazzards could hire a servant even for wiping our asses....if only we had our ways with the world !! [;)]




down's ground..."gaurav aur goyal c*** machaaye hue hain..pahle hi over se"....oh shit...i'm left thinkin wat do to next..as if my gettin worried cud help a thing...dhaklu's over comes....some dots..some misses...n then bang...some sixes too...shit yar...ye dhaklu aisi ball kyu daal raha hai...gaurav really was on fire..shit..save dhaklu, i'd never have rooted for compsci....they never had given me such a holy reason....bt then...jst seeing the odds stacked against him made the worshipper in me come alive...praying for him...n hoping for myself.....it'd be sufficient to say that the trical team fills the bulk of the college cricket team...rahul, sandeep bhaiya, joythi, chinki, goyal, gaurav, mukim....n who ws there in compsci....dhaklu alone...the rest were nt even knowing how to hoink a bat dammit..!! (save for the perennial colg team bordeline stuff mahwari )...these lines do not stand to disgrace the compsci team..they jst show how neez stands towering above them all...TOWERING, no less



the fire seemed to be focussing on goyal's assbhole initially...(n around gaurav's by then ) there ws no stopping goyal's strokes....the sixes were all neat....n the boundaries found their paths well...they didn't need the mercy of compsci fielders....which they were more than willing to provide, as the ensuing match soon proved....me n bhai were almost in shunting as audiences ( quite an achievement for trical team coz i pride myself in being a live audience..one that keeps its tempo up....shoutin n howling all the time...though i must admit that i'm no match for gujju..n figure nowhere near either his vocal chord abilities or the rapid-fire, apt one-liners..he's the hands' down champ....n to my dismay..was leaving no stone unturned in verbally raping the compsci fielders...poor them )



sumhw goyal got out..dunno hw exactly...bt his brief fiery knock at the top ws well acknowledged by the audience...which ws a paltry figure at around twenty...plus the team....bt all charged up....ow....missed this one....a few balls ago...gaurav hit a six over long-on...n rahul bucked him up thus .." theek hai babu theek hai...utha utha ke maaro "...he he...n then came the super move..rahul whispered a few bits of super secret strategy in mukim's ears..handed him a bottle of water n sent him to the batsmen...goyal n gaurav...both unwilling for it...goyal more so coz he'd got gutkha under his cheeks...bt they had to go for it as rahul yanked from the boundary line "goyal paani pee lo yaar " he he...send him a grass joint,rather, rahul sir...shouted some witty junio...n so true he was...power play had gotten over by this incident and it soon brought the demise of goyal with it.....who walks in next.....rahul..our own rahul raj....



black track-pants...hawai chappals in the feet..n a camouflage cap...with its rear holding strings knotted together as the li'l clamps had broken away looooooong time ago...n under the cap bobbed the bobby-deol-esque hair....that looks so gross that guys can use only one moniker for it...j****...( ya..no prizes on guessing this one )....bt it'd be sufficient to say that rahul got out soon after...no fan-fare at all...an inner-edge thru to azad..atta boy..well caught...more so...coz he'd hardly been holding onto the regular wicketkeeper balls....forget this whisker stuff from rahul's bat....



but the fire had nw moved from the surroundings to right to the centre of gaurav's ass**** nw...i swear i've never seen him hit so neatly....all shots were nice cricketing strokes...textbook aggression..no edges...no need of improvisation at all....adding to compsci woes were its wayward bowlers n supremely inefficient fielders....which team can afford 20+ runs as leaks from fielding in a 130 scoreline in a 20 over match...kudos to sandeep bhaiya n his hare-feet....he made those singles converted to doubles look so easy in the end....leaving me stomping my feet in frustration..n venting all my ire on the below kid-level fielding of the compsci....fine u do not play cricket round the year..fine u can't collect the ball without a fumble....bt at least u cud've brought some damned passion in the game.....u cud at least have run faster...reached the ball faster....that cud've cowed the batsmen from stealing an extra run at least....if nt prevent them totally....n if not for ur own or team's sake..then at least for dhaklu's sake....poor him....so poor him...he shifted himself to all those places which looked vulnerable areas bt then..a single guy can't man an entire cricket field....coz..trust me..if that was humanly possible...dhaks wud've been the first one to do it..he is mr. 100 % commitment....n whatever cricketing sense he lacks in....if any...he makes it up with his passion....n that's raw passion for game on display in those times....



okies..somehow the trical innings near an end....last over remaining..score's around 100...dhaklu walks to the bowling crease....first ball..dot....bt then someone shouts from teh boundary lines...."neeraj can't bowl....2 bowlers from his team have already bowled 4 overs each...." so much for stupid regulations...chhah....he was dejected....dhaklu was dejected all over....kicking the ball in frustration...bt then dawned a horror upon us....gaurav on fire..sandeep bhaiya in no mood to relent either..n in this ..who'd be the one to take the cudgels in the last over....n we see the crowd dispersing from the bowler's crease...leaving rajnish behind...oh shit...!! no kidding...is it rajnish who'll bowl the last over...?? poor compsci...n so true i was...after some 2-3 sixes..n a boundary...n some doubles....n gaurave getting out on the last ball in dhaklu's hands on long-off..the score had reached 134....with dhaklu's men having a tall order in front of them....considering the fact that dhaklu ws the only man in his team (talking strictly in cricketing terms ).....n even the trical team was aware of it....they dreaded dhaks ....and the fear was not unfounded.....




i rushed to the mess for a quick breakfast....bt rascal ghosh da.....he can't even fix a quick 2-paratha breakfast....i cudn't see the compsci innings start..n by the time i came back..sachin ws back in the pavilion...bt what i saw when i reached the ground was a merciless beating...which at least i had never seen being heaped on rahul....rahul raj....undoubtedly one of the best bowlers in business....n humble novices consider themselves supremely lucky if they manage to hit him for a four..without getting out at the end of the over that is...coz rahul fights back real hard...bt here..he had been hit for 2 sixes and a four...all clean hits...surgical precision....no ball landing near the boundary line....all landing decently far in the no-man's land...god...rahul had taken a real smothering...scoreline read....3 overs 38...n when compsci's score reached 48....dhaklu had 41 runs out of them....dhaklu had scored a 13 ball 37 run knock at a time....bt..wat happened in the nxt 6 overs was sheer madness n stupidity....dhaklu getting strike for only a ball or two each over....n the rest of teh compsci batsmen kept falling like nine pins...sheer nuts they all were..all getting out trying to tear the ball into smithereens...wat was most unfortunate ws that they didnt even try to realise that it ws enough to give the strike to dhaklu to ensure a win for themselves.....fine...accept it that u r not all supermen...no one will say a word against u..bt then..there's a guy who is superman..who knows wat is a superman..n he will do the superman stuff....he jst asked one question of all the compsci ppl....will u let me do the superman effort....?? n they all failed him....n themselves in the end




joythi bowled 2 choking overs...dhaklu hardly getting strike....n then came the ever-wily sandeep bhaiya..a master-stroke from rahul..he hadn't bowled even once in the tournament....some injury...bt he came forward to bowl some spinnners...rahul knew it wasnt his pace that was required nw..bt his craft n experience....some 4 overs left ....and 48 still required....and...it is feat to neeraj that no one on the ground thought it was un-do-able...everyone believed..ya, BELIEVED..that it'd be a cakewalk if only he'd stay..bt that wasn't to be..he kept being out of strike running twos...n by nerds going for mis-hits at the batting crease....chhah....if i was getting this frustrated outside the ground...wat wud've been going thru that lone warrior's mind....




last 2 overs...38 required...sandeep bhaiya walks in....first ball...six over long off...second ball...pitched slightly short than the previous delivery....dhaks takes a stride forward n rises into the shot...the ball soars towards the boundary..between cover n lon-off....not a single shot of his had been anywhere near the boundary line...bt this one was a few feet short..n manning the borders was ever-safe rahul...shit...he fell down....dhaklu got out...i almost let out a sigh....the jubilation of trical team showed their relief....n their knowledge that they'd finally won...




bt wat a game it was....trical won....bt nt against the compsci team..it won against a one-man army called neeraj....compsci hardly was a team....while trical ws too good...compsci was punctiliously outplayed...bt trical couldn't outplay dhaklu....he succumbed in the end..trying to win it...trying to win it on his own...his single self...u shud've seen his frustration when his team fielded badly..bowled badly....he didnt shout at them...he knew they had their limitations...he knew they were not that gud a team..bt he still urged them....to perform just to their own personla best levels....the nerds didnt provide him even that.....he went down fighting...n when he did go down...not a single bum was left sitting among the audience..everyone stood up to clap....befitting reception for a stunning inning....though gaurav outscord dhaklu...bt it ws for neeraj that the game had the slightest semblance of a MATCH....take dhaklu out n trical had won the match even before getting onto the ground....it was him who kept the match alive for 12.2 overs..




i still remember praying for him...praying with all that i'd got...in the name of so many things...ppl say everyone loves to cheer an 'under-dog'.....i wasnt doin that...he wasn't an under-dog..he was the guy who could take the fight to the opposition camp single-handedly..n he did it...i wasn't cheering for an under-dog..i ws cheering for a brave guy....who knew he was alone....who knew he was pitted against a very strong attack....but look at the sheer guts of the guy...he still believed he cud come out of it trumps....not a single shot of his was lazy...tired...he didnt give a single half-chance to the fielders (save one skier that blinded mukim momentarily in just tracking its rocketing trajectory )...bt then he fell in the end....scoring around 60 runs....in faaar fewer balls




cheers to u dhaks...u rock..n yes...u r the best.....rahul comes a close second [;)]

the dark night...darkest of my life...21st feb..

rishabh...and sahu ji...they've left us nw...a very sad demise...and one that wud haunt us for long...


strange questions come to the mind when the mind runs back to those times....papa had come that day...i could manage jst a 5 minute visit to the juke-box...wat did i see..?? naah...dekha toh bahut kuch..bt yaad bas kuch hi cheezein hain....sahu ji..tushu..n niraj...dance karte karte neeche baith chuke thhe...tired...bt still jhoomte hue....almost like 3 nuts swinging around a bonfire after having a swig or two....to thier right were rishabh and sumant...both very poor dancers (after all..i never considered the baraati version of dance as dance )...bt uss din 'thumke' laga rahe thhe dono...rishabh showing the way to sumant...pata nahi...dekha to bahut kuch tha...bt these images jst dont fade....


i came back from there at around 9:30...took papa for dinner in the mess...n then came back to the room...went back to the ground floor for getting some water for papa..n that's when i got the first piece of news....guys clamoring near the stairs...sumant urging all of them to come to the TMH with him...that was enuff to convey the msg...sth unforeseen...n terrible had occurred...i rushed back to the room n changed...i jst wanted to reach TMH...bt papa woke up...wat to do nw..?? ab jaau ya nahi....papa talked me out of it...n anyways..after the afternoon fiasco i was in no mood to give papa anything that wud start a gud lecture....ultimately i decided against it...i had to...


bt i knew that sth real bad had hapnd when pandey came up shouting....he never does that...n i knew i couldn't not go anymore...i almost snapped at dad n bade him gudnight...i knew i had to go...me ...pandey..n dipesh left for TMH..



there's very small a chance that i'd forget that night in my lifetime...that night o the following day...i'd never lived any longer night...long..disturbing...questioning...i couldn't u'stand wat was going on....guys from the colg lining both the sides of the TMH entrance road...sandeep bhaiya going berserk with tears...some other people sobbing too...rahul broke the news to me....rishabh aur sahuji nahi rahe...i dint kno hw to react....o to react at all....i'd gone numb...i didnt kno wat to do...i didnt feel the loss on a personal level that day..bt what i saw around me was colossal...before that daaark night..i never had felt a loss...i didnt u'stand the word 'dead'...me n niraj were coming to terms with the news our own ways...he'd staretd feeling giddy almost immediately...n i dint kno hw to react at all...faces around me..faces n faces n faces...hope n fear written over most of them...they had been declared brought dead..bt everyone was living in self-denial there..no one believed it...i guess no one could...people were jst breaking down on my left and right...i thought i'd never have the courage to go n actually see them...bt after sometime...i couldn't wait anymore...the rumors flowing thick n fast made matters worse...our mental state was anything bt something that could take it...niraj had actually been to the ward n seen 'em....n asked me not to do it...bt i couldn't...i had to get stable in my mind...ya, it sounds bad bt u wudn't know wat we were going thru...death had to have a finality if it was there..coz death uncertain was making everything all the more horrendous there....


i took dhaklu with me...almost pulled him to the ward by his hands....i had to see them...even in times as sad as the one we were in..its important to make peace with ur demons..ur fears...n i had to do it for that...i saw sahu ji n rishabh...lying side by side on stretchers...they had been placed in the section marked DEAD BODIES already by the time we reached there...then wat was that shit going outside - its time to pray...we still have hope....wat shit was that...how can someone stoop so low....we had already lost them...n it was an insult to make ppl hope that it hadn't happened....the worst had hapnd dudes...they were gone



bt death brought no special specimens with it...both of them looked as if they were asleep...bt the eyes had lost their glint....that fluid gateway that shows the light of life even in a sleeping eye..that was gone...the body had nt gone cold o sth..it had yellowed though...sahuji salivated on the sides..it had all dried...water trickled down from the back of his head..below the stretcher it was forming a thin sloshy film already....i held his hands...felt nuthin different...bt no pulse therein...


kah nahi sakta kya kuch gujar raha tha uss din..mere par..hum sab par...i dnt know wat we all had done wrong....and why we were made to see wat we were seeing...and wat wrong had they done..?? why did they depart...so soon..so bloody soon at that..abhi kya zindgi dekhi thi unhone..??abhi kya zindgi dekhi thi humne...why...wat was the hurry god...weren't we gud as kids...why did u have to grow us into men in a day...we never said we wanted to grow so much in a day..so damned much that we'd forever look back at the day and say...wat the f*** did god have in his mind...?? kya dikhaana chaahta tha woh...ya he his all-mighty...bty why show the might for might's sake..?? yeah we admit u can do stuff that can change our lifes n lifetimes in a second....bt ...like this..like this God...!?




kuch bhi kar lu...uss din ki yaadein nahi jaati...lagta hai jaise abhi kal ko hi dekha tha...rishabh aur sahuji ko...looks like i'd jst bump into them in the mess...rishabh wud shout "Mr. Ghosh" and then bellow with a hearty bt reckless laughter....sahuji wud come to the mess in the end...and wud start his meal-athon...ghosh da will get more freckles on his foreheadby every second...sahuji chewing his meal silently n happily...god..u shud have seen hw sahuji blushed at the mere mention of food...huh


it all seems like jst y'day..they were here...near us...around us...bt nw they are gone..gone forever...call them back..n they won't come...i know even they'd be dying to come back...bt this bloody God business sucks....sucks big time...