i shud rather jst go die...

okay..take a pause and check the following piece of stats-

class 1 half-yearly
class 5th - 12th terminals
NTSE
class 10th - boards
KVPY
class 12th - boards
JEE - 2004
JEE - 2005
Tata Steel Scholarship
CAT - 2008
tanima
CAT - 2010
Hindu-Hitachi fellowship

its a documented record that Abraham Lincoln lost some 19 elections, some big some small, but lastly he hit the jackpot when he was 39 and became the President of USA..gawd..na toh utna patience hai mere me..na hi mere ko waisa kuch karne ka hai..fir itni fight kyu..

i've never...not even in my dreams asked YOU to give me wat i dnt deserve..coz u kno if sth like that happens then i'd despise it more than can be imagined..n i've never gotten anything by any grace of luck..saali aaj tak haath me luck line nahi bani..fir luck se kuch milna toh rahne hi do

matlab..jab sthiti-paristhiti itni buri kar hi di toh jara ye bhi bata hi do ki how the hell do i face myself in the mirror..?? n how do i face otheres ?? u dint make me shameless..u dint make me ego-less..u dint make me someone who'd take things sitting down n wud be all cheery-chirpy despite having his a** kicked at a zillion places and a zillion times..then why give this fickle mind ??

bola tha na..kabhi bhi..galti se bhi na diyo agar mere ko nahi milna chaiye kuch..toh dnt u get this hw much this bastard wud get furious once u keep him from getting what he's really good enough to get..n wen i screw up, i admit it n go way out of my way to not just deride and ridicule myself but also to take the lessons from it..u make me a little believer and a lot-tle non-believer..i mean..wat EXACTLY is this ?? sala ek toh India me paida kiya..woh bhi middle class me..woh bhi general category me..aur itna kuch kam nahi tha toh luck pe bhi laat maar diya..chalo itne tak sab kuch sahi..sab kuch justified..itne me kabhi shikayar nahi kiya..a lot of people have been in worse positions and have come out more stud-der and champ-er than me..

loh..ho gayi baat khatam..despite not wanting to..this do-good-er..this believe-good-er waali atti hai ki jaati nahi..we bloody slog our asses out and then when we still miss a seat somewhere..we are taught (and rightly so !) that if somebody else can do it..why aren't you THAT one !! right. kuch bhi galat nahi isme. but then, why do other people get ahead, in similar positions, but without the same/more fight or ability. YOU kno it happens. and it hurts like anything when you let it happen..what shud get one thru an interview is his performance during it and not the dastardly Letter of Recommendation that he got typed and signed by some big-shot-ass..

matlab kya hai yaar..jab tak banda thoroughly frust ho ke give-up hi nahi maar deta tab tak nahi maanoge aisa kuch hai kya..bhai dekho agar aisa kuch hai toh bata do yaar..fir fight hi nahi maarunga na..fir sab kuch waise hi accept karte chalunga..fir na hi kuch expectation rahegi..na hi mood sadega har kuch din par..n plz dnt throw that GITA bullshit in my face asking me to keep doing my work and not to expect anything in return..i'm just not that..i am a human and want to be one..live like one..i want to be selfish..i want to want a result when i kno i've put in efforts in it..i want a result when i've been good at sth..

i kno you're seeing all this sitting up there..plz..its nt a joke..banda sahi me kabhi frust ho kar kuud jaayega kahin se..fir mat kahna "loh..there goes another coward down !"..coz i ain't a coward..have never been one..but you bastard can't use my ability to deny me wat's rightly mine..gussa aa raha hai aaj..i can't twist my thinking and don't want to ..i can't be like others..but aisa banaya hai bhaiya toh plz aise logo ke liye koi toh raasta chhoda karo yaar..frust ho gaya hu yaar..i so pride myself in being a fighter till the end..but every fighter needs a victory now and then to have this faith in himself that he's not utterly useless and a total goner..

2 cheezein dimaag me le kar chal raha hu abhi..us par nazar mat lagana abhi se kahe deta hu..effort maarunga dono ke liye..aur woh bhi ultimayt wala effort rahega iss dafe..ek bhi mauka diya tumhe ki mera game kar sako toh baat kahna..wait..let's just say this..i'd keep my share of honesty and you keep yours..DEAL. i wudn't give u a single chance to screw my way up..n u wudn't bother coming in my way of success..

seriously..m getting tired..for once..jst for once..i want to have that buoyancy of class 1 yearly..when i came back home shouting right from the end of the colony " mummy..FIRST !!" sheesh..that was sheer exultation..sth i've never known in so far of this adult life..i kno the list of failures looks like a such a bad bill that it can never be paid in full..but m willing to work for it..n i'm GOING to work for it..one gud performance that overwrites all the shoddinesses i've shown so far..i'll do it..you plz just stand by and let me..


VOOT..voot is wat i've lacking so far in life..for once..don't give me peace n dont give me sleep in the nights..let me be awake and not sleep easy unless i'm done..unless i'm done enuf to really live my dreams waking-ly..

you might not be thankful to a guy who's trying to be good and do good..but this guy wud be thankful if u just became a god who did good by just getting out of someone's way and letting him go where he wants to go..n where he rightly belongs..right to the TOP !!

khwahishein hain bhagwaan..dher saari hain..i can see my dreams taking shape..rem'ber those few lines i'd penned sometime ago - "....mera aasmaan dusra hai !" believe me...mera aasmaan dusra hai...

the proverbial fire in the belly

well..where do you start from when you fail comprehensively at something that you really..really wanted to succeed at. failed at CAT n FMS '10 both. 58 percentile in CAT.


this is not the first time i've failed. neither is it the grandest of my failures. but yes, it is the place where i want to succeed badly, with the wish that it belittles all the failures that i've survived till date. it hurts. just as bad as it had when i'd come second for that first time in class 5th. and then began a series of failures that knew no end. fear crept in in my psyche. my confidence was left shaky.

its never been the case with me. somehow i've never been able to sustain this proverbial fire in the belly thing. and that's why this jinx of failing again and again never does get un-done. bura lagta hai. aaj bhi utna hi jitna isse pahle kabhi bhi laga ho. haarna aaj bhi nahi pasand. utna hi jitna bachpan se lagta aaya hai. i do not quit. i do not give up. but i guess its time to realise that just 'not giving up' doesn't ensure one's success. instead of the trepid 'assure a min. return' i need to take a risk and for once, give sth my all.

whatever i've taken up in life, its never been un-doable in life. i've always known things to be within my reach. but still haven't been able to get to them. why ?? if not answered today, with a cool n thinking head, i might never be able to make myself understand one thing. not everything in life is a sprint. a lot of things need patience and continuos putting in of hard work over a period of time. discipline counts for more than we think. where's it in you ?? a few good sessions do not ensure a good career. a few good tests do not ensure your killing a test altogether.

stop counting on scraping through to sth. kill it. go for the max. push yourself. harder and harder by the night. for, if not ambition, what else is left in your life now. at work, and at life: SUCCEED. you can do it. that's the best part. you kno you can. a more important question and decision comes right next to this best thing. actually DOING things. do it. do it. do it. do it. do it bloody.

u kno u feed on success. all your flamboyance depends on it. you've never been empty talk. you've always backed it with oodles of performance. do justice to it. succeed day in and day out. start with little stuff first. take them as minor challenges and then get over them. winning is never a once in a while thing. make it a habit. don't hate losing. love winning ! think twice and overhaul the way you think. why just ensure a seat at A. why not let anyone else deny a seat there to you ?? see. the moment you change your target from a 98-99 percentile zone to a 100 percentile thing, you see the scale of change your entire line of thinking goes. why be content with a little of something when you can fight for all of it. isn't eternal glory worth a biiiiiiiiig fight..??!!

a lot would need change. mental attitude is the first one. being aggressive is good, but only so long as its improving something in you. aggression without purpose is a wastage of energy. and you're not getting PR credits for your everyday life. be easy in it. and with it. fight wahi karo jaha jarurat hai. bring life to a schedule. and follow it. over a year. ya, a YEAR. lets decide it right here and now and make a deal with yourself. next year is when you want to make it big in your life. the biggest success should be there, waiting for you, right there in the next year.

sab kuch do-able hai yaha se. the results do not show how much you'd learnt and improved over your previous attempts. but you know you've come a along way. a big psychological barrier was crossed during preparations this time. from 'it might get done' , you've come to 'i can do it'. that's one huge huge improvement. but intangible at the same time. make it count this year.let's just put all your faculties in the pursuit of one thing - your success at the ABCD dream. Ahmedabad - Bangalore - Calcutta - Delhi.

preserve this fire that you feel in your belly right now. this sense of humiliation and being humbled. rem'ber how it hurts. and let it not be dowsed by the everyday living. you have amazing sources of energy in you. use it. fire yourself everytime you slacken. do not accept compromises. do not accept half attempts. learn to respect your own efforts that you put in. by not putting in 100% of your heart and mind at one place and for one goal, you're not just hurting your chances of success, you're effectively wasting your own efforts. and that's highest order of foolishness. don't do it.


learn from your mistakes. stop committing them in your daily life. a year out of your anyways-not-a-happening-life wudn't hurt at all. work on it.

let's succeed in life for once. and nothing in life succeeds like success. and its the only thing you want as you write this. its the purest want that you could feel. respect it. get it. give yourself the name you've always cherished. earn it.

its not ravi singh yet. but it can be. its all in your hands once again.

I go mute from here

I go mute from here

either to come back,

with a bang nowhere heard of

or, to go down and out

without even the whimpers of a rabid dog...

Life's not meant to be lived

in penury - of either the pocket o the mind.

Life's such a precious gift

its meant to be made grand

the grandness to be crafted; lived upto...

Forever a hi-flier have I been

flying high and fast is what I've loved

Agreed, I did get stuck

for a few days, in the muck of a 'second-grade' life

but the shackles are all mine, only to break...

For even if life means me to lose

lemme jst show it the life in me

A lot it takes for one to succeed

A lot is what I've pledged to give

All I ask you, o Lord, is in me...to believe.

mai sapne becha karta tha...

funny...how life appears from here..aaj ke iss aaj me baith mai beete hue uss kal par has sakta..uss beete hue kal ka mazaak uda sakta hu..gaaliyan de sakta hu usey..kar nahi sakta to bas ek cheez aur woh ye ki uss kal ki shakkal nahi badal sakta...aur ye sab kuch hua uss kal me jab mai sapne becha karta tha..usey..khud ko..duniya ko..aur sapna bhi koi aisa waisa nahi...sapna tha ek zindagi ka..ek aisi zindagi jo gawara thi sirf ek jode ko nahi balki poore ek vrind ko..

fir kuchh ghata...un-honi kahna sahi nahi hoga jo hua usey..lekin jo hua woh nahi hota aisa bhi nahi tha....khush rahte thhe dono..kaafi khush thhe ek dusre ka saath pa kar..deen-duniya ki fikar nahi..matlab rahti thi toh sirf apne kunbe se...khud ke 2-4 bando ko apna parivaar bana liya tha...aur 2 parindo ne tinko se ghar bhi bas jod hi liya tha...

[god..hindi is tuff !!..bt then...there r sum things which dnt appeal to us if we choose to not to reperesent them in a laguage we aren't exactly attached with...]

sth sth happened..n the guy decided to call it quits...cruel, unfair,liar, characterless,bastard,dog..he got all these names n more...sometimes he fired back at the accusations and smtimes jst submitted to them meekly...not that he couldn't rebuff all those epithets but the bigger question was how wud he fight them names off ? What wud he tell them/her..that he had a vision (ya rite...Mr Buddha !!) he'd just seen the glimpses of a dream gone awry..of a life which'd gone on a horribly wrong track..how cud he convince others with the idea of a dream ?? ppl can buy dreams but they trust facts..n i dint have any to show with me...

now the most important question...wat made him so sure about the possible fact that wat he was doing would indeed turn out to be the right thing in the end...?? well, to be honest...he wasn't sure ! (i think sumone wud feel like reaching for my neck just now ;) ) bt this was the fact...he was NOT sure..all that he had at his end to work with was this big hunch in his tummy..n the dastardly thing wud neither tell him why he shud be trusting it nor wud let him stay in peace..but the un-rest of mind wasn't the only thing that cajoled him into listening to it..he knew better..it was the same gut feel that had brought him to her...

winter time...registration day for the 6th sem...he walks her walk towards the CC from the store..he was scribbling the mundane details in his form...looked up suddenly..saw her usual companion accompanying her across the 30 steps yard..n pat came the blushing smile..the same gut then wrenched through my anatomy and raised my hand for a wave in a flash..she passed the msg onto her..she looked up in my direction..slightly confused...with a faint blush on her face (wat was it for anyway ??) they were looking at each other after having avoided each other for more than a year and a half..sth suddenly had begun..sth that was to become the dream of a lifetime for both of them (though I'm not too sure about it being applicable to 'both' nw)

then sth sth happened for an year..a year that'd define the rest of his life after it..and hers..bt none had thought the story cud end in their having to part ways at the end of it...n why jst them..not a single soul on the campus cud think they'd part...there ws this sth in them...this sth which sum ppl choose to call chemistry...

then comes the grimmiest part of the story...he chose to call it quits...colg had come to an end too..the two events weren't meant to coincide but they did happen one after the other..one kinda bolstered the other..she couldn't take it..rightly blamed it all on him..but..wat she missed even at the glummiest of times ( n he didn't..though it wasnt always as apparent to him either) was that it was the only chance he cud give her to be happy with her life again..she was his bird..his princess..n he lived by her breaths...who would understand how he cud send her in sumone else's arms ?? if you dont do so when u're in love...then he did it coz he cared for her too much..way too much to let her suffer either in silence o in rebellion by letting her stay in his company which she certainly wasn't comfortable in..she had her ways..he had his..its nt that different people aren't supposed to come/stay together...a lot that matters is - where do those differences lie ??

wat happened next was sth so catastrophic that it kept both of them vacillating between staying normal normal and going berserk like a nervous wreck..max. times it was he who cudn't take it (but then, he knows only his side of the story after the split) ..n sumtimes she cudn't..for him it was all the more bitter a pill to swallow coz it was all brought upon both because it was a decision that he chose to make..despite it having become clear to both..she was all prepared to cling onto the tiniest rope he decided to hand her over..n he was jst as adamant abt nt letting a hope become her crutch for life..she had to let go of him in order to find another island of happiness in the ocean of humanity..they had to drift apart from there-on and that was a certainty clear only to him then..he was a guy..he knew he had to manage it even if he cudn't..hw cud he leave her ?? she was neither strong nor did she have the conviction of it being her decision..it was all being done to her rather and she had no say in it..miss the big picture for a second and a second can feel suicidal..if i had a way of doing it to her without being any ounce less brutal...god knows i wud've had done it..

but then..there's one thing very gud about the worst of times - they pass u by...so has it happened with her..she'd found a new tether..and he can only hope its as gud he was..he might not have had the capability to live a compromise..bt he sure had bucketfuls of luv in store for her..she was his gurl once..n only she knew the novelty of being called by that name (though, admittedly, it had earned her sum 'stupid' epithets as well :P) n this news hit him like a pleasant shock..he knew that out of them two, she'd be the one who'd recover first..it cudn't be otherwise..she was a chirpy soul alrite.. n life comes running to such ppl..it can't sulk from such ppl from long..he bade her the best of his wishes for a hppy life..he stood vindicated..n relieved..from the ghosts of a ghastly sin which he hadn never committed..the results that he'd seeked in the original plan of things had seeped in partly..she was happy again..n it wud keep him contented for long..happiness for him ?? he never had worked a hoot for it..why wud it come to him..

he never was a sinner though..but u can't acquit him of his butchery altogether either..he'd live out his sentence..never did he think that he cud find happiness outside the embrace of the only 'she' in his life..but the fact that she eventually landed somewhere has given his life a hope too..not that it'd be restored to an orderliness jst as soon..but now that the guilt is done away with..at least the spirit can breathe free and not reek of regret..

the he was me..n the she was her..sapne mai becha karta tha..kuch woh kharid leti thi..kuch khud chun liya karta tha..dono khush thhe ek saath..kuch kuch hua aur zindagi achaanak badal si gayi..ab ye lamhaa kaha jaayega..kisey kya dikhaayega..kahaani ek se do to kab ki ho chuki..yaha se aage kaise jaayegi..there's this famous saying (infamous for me and sth i dont exactly subscribe to...though the second part of it does ring true in the ears at times) - "love happens only once..rest is just life !"

ANATOMY OF WORLD'S BIGGEST BIG-TIME LOSERS.....

yeah...m not joking..keep reading and u'd know a lot abt me..but thru the glasses of generalisation about a breed that's in far more profundity than this planet either needed or could sustain...bt then..that's the way the world goes round now....


So..i ws talking abt the people of my breed ( see.. m already talkin...the ppl of this class are hyper egoistic...hyper egotistic...and hopelessly proud of themselves..that's why i said ppl of my breed ...and not the breed of ppl to which i belong......)...yappy...ppl of my breed aren't exactly shirkers of work...they just don't know what work to do....not that they fail to prioritise...they're very good at it actually...bt things somehow never fall in place for them....


i know, i know...i've taken too tough a subject to give a decent discourse on it and am already faltering on it...but i'd jst chug on...


these people have very lofty dreams...loftiest u can say...and if...(that's a big IF, mind it )..even a select few of them became a reality...trust me..world would've been a different place altogether..bt then...that never was to be..and certainly....it hasn't happened so far....


one more characteristic of this class is that..these people are fantastic PLANNERS...fabulous to be true to them...ask them and they've figured out all about their lives...sometimes they even boast( though the shy ones admit only to themselves ) of having the answers to the muckiest philosophical questions of life...like "who am i ? " et al....huh...so much after being a simple mortal....


sometimes they walk on the tarmac as if they're doing mother earth a favour by planting their feet on it....yeah..that's no exaggeration..and i can vouch for it coz i myself do that...only sometimes......


they think they're masters of their fate...they've everything under control...that they've all that they needed..and what they don't have is something even the roadside urchins could shag upon...without even blinking an eyelid, mind it....



okay...if u thought all this was a mere flight of flippancy...i'd give some real food for thought now....what all these fucked-ups don't know..and indeed, don't admit...is that they're the biggest fucked-ups the world's ever seen...what will they gain by their vanity....?? by their ya-ya-i-know-it-all attitude....?? and who the hell cares for ur attitude anyway dude...?? what are u..?? kya ukhaad liya aaj tak life me...?? what really amazes me is...how do these guys sometimes even bear themselves....they're downright obnoxious at times man...what's wrong in admitting that u are a fuck-up....is that so that tough to admit...?? is it so tough to say u r a no-body...?? yes..that's a bad place to start from...but ..the hell...realisation of dawn scores anyday over groping around in the muck all day....what perturbs me is....why dont these guys wake up...they have the potential on most of the occasions ( ya..who doesn't have it tell me..) bt mere having them won't get u any damned piece of shit here....there's a word in english language...very simple word it is...WORK....why don't they jst chuck every other bullshit one fine day and decide that from the next moment...the only thing that they'll be doing is working...is this realisation so tough to come to them....why don't they understand...why don't they listen to their own inner self...that's not dead in them jst like it never dies in any one....that inner self is there for all of them...serving as a beacon....bt who in the world thinks of consulting them everytime they set out to do sth...



that's the problem of my life guys...i'm one of the biggest fuck-ups u'd ever come across...and i'm not realising this...and that's the biggest tragedy of my life....


waise...reading all this would've surely felt like some psychological crapping over your mindspace...i'd try to compensate for that... in the words of Goethe.....

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do...begin it...action has genius, power and magic in it...

Kuch un-chhue se panne

This life, as we know it..or have come to know of it..this life isn't always lived in the full-ishment of the moments it brings..In the language of a book, we don't always read the pages word to word to word or end to end...some engrossing pages do get that rapt an attention from us but not all the pages are that lucky..there are some pages which we just flip thru..breezing thru it...giving it a mere cursory look...and then there are some..which we start with an abandon..we do not know what's there in it..and we hardly care ..or expect anything from it..but after sometime...we suddenly start feelin gravitated towards it...ye kahani meri zindgi ke us panne ki hai....a story that lasted a day...but the caress of it i still feel today...it had a magic in it...a mystique..mystique of the unknown...


day was my medical day for telcon...actually it was the following day coz i'd bungled up the previous day...coz they said i'd not come with full preparation...i hadn't brought my photographs !! dude..u check my soul's humble abode for all the bacteria and virus u suspect it might be housing....bt why do u need my pic...?? that can't give u my blood sample...i can..and i am here....bt anyways..they didnt listen to me and i was asked to report the next day for the same thing...and i came back...and came back shivendra and anoj...my would-be colleagues in the company...with an understanding but its-all-bcoz-of-u-moron look ...

the formals all spoiled...as were the creases on them ( yappy..we'd gone for our medicals in all formals....sheer nuts we were...we were expecting sum stately welcome by the company...) they were still donned...though their first day glory had all but gone...we reached the company gates by 8 o'clock...and our apprehensions regarding the 'work culture' in the company got a pleasant shock when we saw our colg senior riding piggy-back to the office on a female's scooty...yippee..this was some place to work for...( hope u'll understand the exorbiant celebrations for a rather minnor incident considering that i was from NIT Jsr..and Mechanical branch at that...!! why do females never turn to this 'evergreen' branch isn't a big mystery but certainly is an unfortunate fact.)


khair, nazara khatam bhi hua..and then we were asked to report to the tata motors hospital..and then we were taken to the Works hospital at the tata motors main gate where we were given a chit of paper and were asked to report at the Tata Motors hospital where we duly reported sum 30 mins later. My memory fails me in recollecting the exact sequence of various check ups that we went...n even the count of them...bt the one that ws particularly heart warming n sth that'd tickle me for quite a long time happened during the eye check up session..before which we had been thru some 3-4 sessions...

anyone who's been to the eye-check up section in the telco TMH knows how the entrance hall is..u enter at one corner of a hall that wud be sth like 20m x 10 m in dimensions...and...imagine urself facing such a hall...we entered thru the doorway at extreme left on the length-ward side...barring the door, the wall had big airy windows all along the length...the exit to the hall was on the width-ward side on the right as one entered the hall...ya..unnecessary architecture details bt try imagining the situation coz that'd add to the fun part of the story...now...this hall had long planked wooden benches placed parallel to the width-wise wall... and there ws one row of benches surrounding the entire inner perimeter of the hall all around these parallel set of benches..

we guys duly took the benches right across the entrance...dnt remember the logic behind it part of the reason ws it ws vacant...bt the reason cudn't have been that we wanted to keep an eye on the crowd coming in...coz we'd estimated...as were soon to find out...wrongly...that we'd get any females worth looking at...whatever be the logic...the bench that we took came in very handy in what happened next...the time was sth around 10:30 -11:00 in the mrng..n we hadnt had anything for breakfast....and since our turns cud cum anytime...we decided to have sth to eat at the hospital canteen turn by turn...the canteen ws down a flight of stairs from the hall..we were about to take our turns to go hog some food when two females enetered the hall...not suddenly..somehow they entered the room in a very fluid motion...burqa-clad they were...both were almost of the same height...spectacled..n we weren't jerked into looking at them..sumhw our eyes jst followed them right from the time they entered...from whatever i recollect...they didnt pay us any attention initially n took the bench diagonally opposite to ours...as it usually happens in such cases...i looked at them once n then looked away..anoj did the same..n so did shivendra..n the cycle kept conitnuing in a randomn order...suddenly..anoj yelled mumbling-ly..."abey revi ( he he...he still calls me the same way...bloody mallu) they're lookin at you.."..."WHAT"..i almost jumped with alarm...not that i didnt notice that they too had begun looking at us..bt i didnt kno that they were lookin at me..nt that i didnt want it...bt i actually didnt think this cud happen..n even after hearing anoj i didnt quite believe it but a few more glances firmed his declaration....they were looking at me..!! god...wat was this happening now..i had gootten a placement only recently and i knew i might jst..jst be an appealing prospect to sum female who came to kno abt it bt that wasnt the case here...they cudn't have known this..n were looking at me despite this...wooh...i ws SUMTHING...i ws elated...seriously...i started looking at them with some seriousness of purpose....

i forget a lot of the day...abt the day...bt nt that sth had started happening between us...of that i'm sure even today..i kept looking at her..she kept looking at me..n then..when she finally left after her check up...which was after about an hour after all this had begun..she left the room with her eyes still on me...kya tha woh..i haven't gathered that so far...bt still re-live that day sometimes...thinking what, after all, was it about...she left the room...and then walked by the adjoining corridor and was still keeping her eyes on me...needless to say that i too was doing the same..but...wat was disturbing..or pleasing...was the fact that she kept looking at me fixatedly...WHY..?? guys ogle at girls n that's normal...i too look at girls but only fleetingly...bt that day was different...her gaze was firm...sth that behold my gaze to her...n sth i cud do nuthin abt then...

then i thought she ws gone n it was time for me to do sth abt my tummy too...coz shivendra n anoj had come back from their hogging trips...so i went down...n lo !!..i saw her in the medicine-collecting queue downstairs...god..wat was all this..anyways..i dint stop at the queue..coz she ws standing in teh queue while her elder sister kept loitering at the end of it...i kept my eyes down n passed by...took a cup-maggi noodles (that ws the only time i've had that rather bland cup noodles thing)...and started walking up n down the stall in the hospital courtyard...honestly..i ws so smitten by her that i cudn't think of anything...n wat ws i smitten with..?..i cudn't see her face..dint hear her talk o laugh..her figure wasn't even make-out-able under that black burqa thing...fir kaun si cheez thi jo mujhe uski taraf kheeche hue thhi...god knows..sth in her miens..sth that i can't put my fingers on even today...i made sure of walking upto the medicine queue everytime i walked down that way...n funnily...when i came back the first time...she'd replaced her sister at the loitering position n her sister (poor her) was standing in the queue...so intent was her gaze...i kno i've repeated myself so thoroughly that this write up might be called boring hands down....bt plz try to understand...you dont come across such wishful n engaging n strong n why..even slightly flirty gaze everyday of your life...whoof...that ws when i decided that i shudn't let this thing jst get over...kuch to karna chahiye...she's dropped enuf hints now that she's interested...in wat and to wat extent is a different..she ws interested n that was all that hit me..i rushed back to anoj in the eye-check up hall...managed to grab a sheet of paper from somewhere..n wrote.."you're so very beautiful".. n wrapped the thing up..n put it in my papers...i dint used to have a cell phone in those days..to phone number de sakta tha nahi...lastly i decided ki mail-id he de do yaar...let there be some way in which she can reach me...instead of there being no way bt only a wish for one...

BUT..n this is a big but...by the time i came down with the write-up..she was gone from the queue..my heart raced..not now...plz not now...coz so long as now..i'd held my fort..i'd swayed only as much as she had..no less no more..bt now that i'd committed myself to the thing..she cudn't jst walk over me like the preening winner in a competition of chastity...i ran anoj outside the hospital building with myself...n caught a glimpse of the two sisters walking away slowly down the right side...normal si chaal thi..normal si bandi log waali...n they were guffawing all the way...maybe i ws the thing to be laughed at in their conversations...bt that's only a guess...bt then...there hadn't hapnd anything more..or even comparatively eventful with them in the past 2-3 hours...n tell me..what's so funny/laugh-worthy/amusing about a guy who's simply smitten with you...i guess u can be proud or happy about it...bt u can't laugh off at it...that's not decent..that's not hw nice ladies behave..n trust me..i dont look a fool at all so that that could be justified..mujhe khud ke baare me koi galat-fahmi nahi hai bt i know at least this mcuh abt myself..that i appear sober...coz i invest a lot at it..coz i am IT by nature...n that shows.. n that's sth i swear by sliently everytime i doubt myself..anyways..

i went by her ....slowed down the bike..almost stopped it...n said very politely..excuse me...n she didnt stop...pretending that she didnt hear a thing..excuse me, ma'm...i cried out louder this time...bt she kept walking on..this time with a firmness that was meant to convey that she wouldn't wait..that she'd keep walking..that she always was going to just keep walking...

two things come out of it...first..wat did she gain by it..? why did she do it..? if she wanted to retain teh moral high of not committing a sin against her chastity..or put a milder word for it there..then she didnt succeed..her eyes had given her away a looooong time ago...n she dint hear to herself when she jst kept walking on...despite having wanted to stop..n that i'm sure of...

second thing..wat did i gain by it...? i was in a relationship then..i had sumone in my life whom i loved... a lot...then wat ws i doing there...n why...i had broken her trust n my loyalty in those 2-3 hrs...bt i'd done nothing...maine baat bhi nahi kari...hye-bye bhi nahi kiya..fir bhi kuch to galat ho gaya tha na shayad..

that's how life is...things hardly end on a perfect note...or in a way you want them to...or in a way you think they can...sometimes we lose ourselves in a few windy moments... n keep coming back to it to for the rest of our lives...to know ourselves better...to gain sth that ws lost there forever...to inspect wat exactly we'd wanted then in our life n from our life..n sumtimes..we jst go back to those times jst to re-live the moments...inhi khatti-meethi yaadon se to bani hoti hai ye cheez..ye jo zindgi ki kitaab hai...!!

In memoriam of a fighter...

Well...this is gonna be a commentary....sans statistics though...both because i do not have much of a taste for it and me being pretty bad in places where stats get involved...



8 0'clock..25th april...sunny saturday morning....i amble towards the mess listlessly...as if i don't care if the world's going to doom...or that...if i feel like goin for a break-fast for breaking my morning fast...but then came bhai's howler, just so as i was approachin the mess doors..."metch dekhne chalega be..?? " which was less of a question n more of an invitation...."kiska metch he bhai..??" suddenly i ws in a terrible mood of leg-pulling ( considering that bhai is one of those softer souls...ye indore ke log bade meethe hote hain (for all the stupidity n lacunae in english language...i wish i cud make that indore sound as bhai bleats it out..shit..that is gud fun )...n even when they're in a bad mood of slang...all that they're letting out are soft-sounding expletives...like those showy crackers...all show..no noise..n ultimately no harm done )...."compsci aur trical ka he...chalega kya....?"....n i came alive...somehow i knew that i wanted to go..without mine even knowing it...."chaliye bhai"..i replied....then popped nits' nike keys outta bhai's pocekts..n we two hopped on our rampyari...though the down's ground is barely a sweat-breaking walk away....bt we lazzards could hire a servant even for wiping our asses....if only we had our ways with the world !! [;)]




down's ground..."gaurav aur goyal c*** machaaye hue hain..pahle hi over se"....oh shit...i'm left thinkin wat do to next..as if my gettin worried cud help a thing...dhaklu's over comes....some dots..some misses...n then bang...some sixes too...shit yar...ye dhaklu aisi ball kyu daal raha hai...gaurav really was on fire..shit..save dhaklu, i'd never have rooted for compsci....they never had given me such a holy reason....bt then...jst seeing the odds stacked against him made the worshipper in me come alive...praying for him...n hoping for myself.....it'd be sufficient to say that the trical team fills the bulk of the college cricket team...rahul, sandeep bhaiya, joythi, chinki, goyal, gaurav, mukim....n who ws there in compsci....dhaklu alone...the rest were nt even knowing how to hoink a bat dammit..!! (save for the perennial colg team bordeline stuff mahwari )...these lines do not stand to disgrace the compsci team..they jst show how neez stands towering above them all...TOWERING, no less



the fire seemed to be focussing on goyal's assbhole initially...(n around gaurav's by then ) there ws no stopping goyal's strokes....the sixes were all neat....n the boundaries found their paths well...they didn't need the mercy of compsci fielders....which they were more than willing to provide, as the ensuing match soon proved....me n bhai were almost in shunting as audiences ( quite an achievement for trical team coz i pride myself in being a live audience..one that keeps its tempo up....shoutin n howling all the time...though i must admit that i'm no match for gujju..n figure nowhere near either his vocal chord abilities or the rapid-fire, apt one-liners..he's the hands' down champ....n to my dismay..was leaving no stone unturned in verbally raping the compsci fielders...poor them )



sumhw goyal got out..dunno hw exactly...bt his brief fiery knock at the top ws well acknowledged by the audience...which ws a paltry figure at around twenty...plus the team....bt all charged up....ow....missed this one....a few balls ago...gaurav hit a six over long-on...n rahul bucked him up thus .." theek hai babu theek hai...utha utha ke maaro "...he he...n then came the super move..rahul whispered a few bits of super secret strategy in mukim's ears..handed him a bottle of water n sent him to the batsmen...goyal n gaurav...both unwilling for it...goyal more so coz he'd got gutkha under his cheeks...bt they had to go for it as rahul yanked from the boundary line "goyal paani pee lo yaar " he he...send him a grass joint,rather, rahul sir...shouted some witty junio...n so true he was...power play had gotten over by this incident and it soon brought the demise of goyal with it.....who walks in next.....rahul..our own rahul raj....



black track-pants...hawai chappals in the feet..n a camouflage cap...with its rear holding strings knotted together as the li'l clamps had broken away looooooong time ago...n under the cap bobbed the bobby-deol-esque hair....that looks so gross that guys can use only one moniker for it...j****...( ya..no prizes on guessing this one )....bt it'd be sufficient to say that rahul got out soon after...no fan-fare at all...an inner-edge thru to azad..atta boy..well caught...more so...coz he'd hardly been holding onto the regular wicketkeeper balls....forget this whisker stuff from rahul's bat....



but the fire had nw moved from the surroundings to right to the centre of gaurav's ass**** nw...i swear i've never seen him hit so neatly....all shots were nice cricketing strokes...textbook aggression..no edges...no need of improvisation at all....adding to compsci woes were its wayward bowlers n supremely inefficient fielders....which team can afford 20+ runs as leaks from fielding in a 130 scoreline in a 20 over match...kudos to sandeep bhaiya n his hare-feet....he made those singles converted to doubles look so easy in the end....leaving me stomping my feet in frustration..n venting all my ire on the below kid-level fielding of the compsci....fine u do not play cricket round the year..fine u can't collect the ball without a fumble....bt at least u cud've brought some damned passion in the game.....u cud at least have run faster...reached the ball faster....that cud've cowed the batsmen from stealing an extra run at least....if nt prevent them totally....n if not for ur own or team's sake..then at least for dhaklu's sake....poor him....so poor him...he shifted himself to all those places which looked vulnerable areas bt then..a single guy can't man an entire cricket field....coz..trust me..if that was humanly possible...dhaks wud've been the first one to do it..he is mr. 100 % commitment....n whatever cricketing sense he lacks in....if any...he makes it up with his passion....n that's raw passion for game on display in those times....



okies..somehow the trical innings near an end....last over remaining..score's around 100...dhaklu walks to the bowling crease....first ball..dot....bt then someone shouts from teh boundary lines...."neeraj can't bowl....2 bowlers from his team have already bowled 4 overs each...." so much for stupid regulations...chhah....he was dejected....dhaklu was dejected all over....kicking the ball in frustration...bt then dawned a horror upon us....gaurav on fire..sandeep bhaiya in no mood to relent either..n in this ..who'd be the one to take the cudgels in the last over....n we see the crowd dispersing from the bowler's crease...leaving rajnish behind...oh shit...!! no kidding...is it rajnish who'll bowl the last over...?? poor compsci...n so true i was...after some 2-3 sixes..n a boundary...n some doubles....n gaurave getting out on the last ball in dhaklu's hands on long-off..the score had reached 134....with dhaklu's men having a tall order in front of them....considering the fact that dhaklu ws the only man in his team (talking strictly in cricketing terms ).....n even the trical team was aware of it....they dreaded dhaks ....and the fear was not unfounded.....




i rushed to the mess for a quick breakfast....bt rascal ghosh da.....he can't even fix a quick 2-paratha breakfast....i cudn't see the compsci innings start..n by the time i came back..sachin ws back in the pavilion...bt what i saw when i reached the ground was a merciless beating...which at least i had never seen being heaped on rahul....rahul raj....undoubtedly one of the best bowlers in business....n humble novices consider themselves supremely lucky if they manage to hit him for a four..without getting out at the end of the over that is...coz rahul fights back real hard...bt here..he had been hit for 2 sixes and a four...all clean hits...surgical precision....no ball landing near the boundary line....all landing decently far in the no-man's land...god...rahul had taken a real smothering...scoreline read....3 overs 38...n when compsci's score reached 48....dhaklu had 41 runs out of them....dhaklu had scored a 13 ball 37 run knock at a time....bt..wat happened in the nxt 6 overs was sheer madness n stupidity....dhaklu getting strike for only a ball or two each over....n the rest of teh compsci batsmen kept falling like nine pins...sheer nuts they all were..all getting out trying to tear the ball into smithereens...wat was most unfortunate ws that they didnt even try to realise that it ws enough to give the strike to dhaklu to ensure a win for themselves.....fine...accept it that u r not all supermen...no one will say a word against u..bt then..there's a guy who is superman..who knows wat is a superman..n he will do the superman stuff....he jst asked one question of all the compsci ppl....will u let me do the superman effort....?? n they all failed him....n themselves in the end




joythi bowled 2 choking overs...dhaklu hardly getting strike....n then came the ever-wily sandeep bhaiya..a master-stroke from rahul..he hadn't bowled even once in the tournament....some injury...bt he came forward to bowl some spinnners...rahul knew it wasnt his pace that was required nw..bt his craft n experience....some 4 overs left ....and 48 still required....and...it is feat to neeraj that no one on the ground thought it was un-do-able...everyone believed..ya, BELIEVED..that it'd be a cakewalk if only he'd stay..bt that wasn't to be..he kept being out of strike running twos...n by nerds going for mis-hits at the batting crease....chhah....if i was getting this frustrated outside the ground...wat wud've been going thru that lone warrior's mind....




last 2 overs...38 required...sandeep bhaiya walks in....first ball...six over long off...second ball...pitched slightly short than the previous delivery....dhaks takes a stride forward n rises into the shot...the ball soars towards the boundary..between cover n lon-off....not a single shot of his had been anywhere near the boundary line...bt this one was a few feet short..n manning the borders was ever-safe rahul...shit...he fell down....dhaklu got out...i almost let out a sigh....the jubilation of trical team showed their relief....n their knowledge that they'd finally won...




bt wat a game it was....trical won....bt nt against the compsci team..it won against a one-man army called neeraj....compsci hardly was a team....while trical ws too good...compsci was punctiliously outplayed...bt trical couldn't outplay dhaklu....he succumbed in the end..trying to win it...trying to win it on his own...his single self...u shud've seen his frustration when his team fielded badly..bowled badly....he didnt shout at them...he knew they had their limitations...he knew they were not that gud a team..bt he still urged them....to perform just to their own personla best levels....the nerds didnt provide him even that.....he went down fighting...n when he did go down...not a single bum was left sitting among the audience..everyone stood up to clap....befitting reception for a stunning inning....though gaurav outscord dhaklu...bt it ws for neeraj that the game had the slightest semblance of a MATCH....take dhaklu out n trical had won the match even before getting onto the ground....it was him who kept the match alive for 12.2 overs..




i still remember praying for him...praying with all that i'd got...in the name of so many things...ppl say everyone loves to cheer an 'under-dog'.....i wasnt doin that...he wasn't an under-dog..he was the guy who could take the fight to the opposition camp single-handedly..n he did it...i wasn't cheering for an under-dog..i ws cheering for a brave guy....who knew he was alone....who knew he was pitted against a very strong attack....but look at the sheer guts of the guy...he still believed he cud come out of it trumps....not a single shot of his was lazy...tired...he didnt give a single half-chance to the fielders (save one skier that blinded mukim momentarily in just tracking its rocketing trajectory )...bt then he fell in the end....scoring around 60 runs....in faaar fewer balls




cheers to u dhaks...u rock..n yes...u r the best.....rahul comes a close second [;)]